I am super thankful that I get to be at home for Thanksgiving with my dad and my mom and my brother. I get to see three or four of my super good friends while I am here. It just feels good to be in Texas for a bit. I think it is going to be good for me to find balance.
Boy dropped me at the airport and just gave me a hug goodbye, no kiss, no nothing. And frankly I think I am done. He has my car and is gonna pick me up on Sunday but I haven’t heard from him since I have gotten to Texas. Well he snap chatted me this morning a video of Jake and his dad but I just feel like he doesn’t give me everything I need. So I need to call it off or just keep things as just friends. But am I strong enough to do that? Or do I want to do that?
I need to figure out what I want. And how to be selfish. I think I am learning how to be alone and finding peace in that. Learning how to just watch tv and chill out by myself. I feel like I am learning a lot living on my alone. I need to read some books and step my gym game up and just do more of me. I don’t need to jump to extremes I am figuring out. I just need to do me some of the time because I also like putting my time into others as well, which isn’t a bad thing and doesn’t make me a weak person.
I think that if I am going to be talking to someone that I want a relationship. That doesn’t make me a weak person or a lonely person or anything like that. That’s just what I want and there is nothing wrong with that. And I know I will find it because I have a great family and great friends and a paid off car and my own place and I am healthy and I have my hobbies and loves and interests and passions.
But instead of pining around and looking for Mister Right there are way more important things I need to be doing right now like finding a better job and doing me and exploring.
So yea. Here is to being thankful and making the best out of what I have.
Ok I finally feel a little bit back to normal. My period wrecked me. WRECKED. I have just been feeling sub-par lately but today at work I figured out a pretty major person and the guy was super awesome and was like I’m going to call your manager on Monday and tell him how helpful and calm you have been. AWESOME.
Everyone at work likes to complain and it gets to me. I’m trying to be satisfied with what I have. With myself. Cause I have a great best friend and some great work friends and this guy I’m hanging out with has been super awesome and has been there for me. Even though I think I’m at my wits end with him.
He was all I don’t know where I would be without you and blah blah blah.
I was thinking about what I want. I want to get married. But I also want to make sure it is the right person. I’m not looking for perfect but I want to take my time and figure out what I need and want.
I have learned how to ride a dick though which is gonna be super useful. I know my next boyfriend will be stoked on that shit. And folding laundry lol. Like he jokes about it. Idk I could see us staying together. But I can also see myself moving on. He was weird about how I was talking to other guys when we first started talking. He said he wanted to date his ex because she wasn’t fucking around like everyone else.
Teach me how to be ok alone
Soooo shit is fucked up for me.
I fucked up.
Things with boy were pretty damn good. Went to his place on Thursday night with some sunny d strawberry lemonade and new Amsterdam vodka and we drank the whole fifth together… Haha and watched 43 things. It was really fun and I was hammered… And he denied me sex cause of birth control and shit. I was super drunk. We had a heart to heart about his ex and his kids and life and he asked me if he could take me to dinner on Friday. So hungover on Friday. Dunno how I made it through work. But the service manager bought the techs and parts fried chicken and biscuits so sooooo awesome! Waited for the boy to get off work for an hour and talked to one of my best friends from college and then we went to Applebee’s and he got a steak and I got a burger and we had a couple drinks then got wine from Fred Meyer and got drunkie and talked about drugs and more life shit and cuddled and then had awesome sex. Like him grabbing my boobs while I’m riding him and then when reverse cowgirl him just slapping my ass and it was awesome.
And now his ex calls him and says she wants him back. He is a mess. I’m a mess. Part of me loves him and part of me doesn’t because I know it will never work out. I am just so happy I’ve met him. He has been such a bright spot in my life. I haven’t just met someone in so long like this. His name means laughter and mine means light. Like it is supposed to be. He came into my life for a reason and I came into his for a reason. He told me tonight that I am holding him together. Yes. This is what friends are fucking for.
He has taught me more of what I want. And that I am young and I CAN do whatever I want. He is an amazing person and I don’t want this bitch to keep tearing him apart.
Today has been good good. Last night boy was like I know I tell you I have feelings for my ex and I shouldn’t cause I’m hooking up with you and I keep telling you this and I’m sorry. But it’s fine really. In order to be friends with someone you gotta be open. Just cause we are hooking up doesn’t mean we can’t share our feelings.
Woke up at 6:15 and gave Walter to Lehua and then hit the gym. Sexy trainer was there and looked hella tired but was great to see him first thing in the morning ;) May have been a bit too eager lol. Killed legs day! Worked out for like an hour. Only 10 min of cardio on the stair master cause I run around at work and move boxes and fuck I get cardio all time errday. Haha.
And work was ok. I messed up an order for a door but nothing that can’t be fixed -___- And I reorganized the whole upstairs! Just need to sweep.
Can’t wait to get off work in 50 min, wash my car, eat dinner with my friends, and go up to spend the night with boy and drink some wine!
Feels good to be back in the gym. Yea yea yea!
Monday night was the first time a guy turned on music while we were fucking. Unf unf unf.
So this whole talking to an alcoholic with two kids that doesn’t have a car and is usually broke isn’t floating my boat. Yes his personality is awesome until he is like oh hey well are you developing hella feelings for me? Fuckkkk. I’m not. I like him as a friend that I can cuddle with which makes me question wait should I want something more from him? But I don’t. I want something more but not from him. I want it with the right person. I just like the cuddles and kisses and the fucking and having someone to talk too.
Tonight I need to put finding a new job / researching a new job first, before the gym. Before anything else. I need to figure out what is gonna be best for my future. My best friend just extended her lease for 12 months. I dunno if I am gonna be here in 12 months. I don’t know what’s best. Trying to figure that out. Like if I stay here I need more money. And also what do I want my career to be? I want to be able to pay all my bills.
I know some beautiful people.
God I’m tired. Fucking drank and watched the Italian job with boy last night and sex and you know. Was up until 3. Work at 9. -_-
Got beer and burgers with Will and Isaac after work. Fucking rad. Love hanging out and shit and just seeing how cool and how much shit people have experienced.
I love my coworkers and I am so happy that I stayed out here. Never thought I’d be where I am now a year ago today… :)
I think I’m slowlyyyyy beginning to figure out what I want. I want a little solitude but I’m too scared to have it even though I think it would make me happy. I want more gym time. Yea I’d like to drop some weight buttttttt… This whole two hour phone conversation shit needs to stop every night. Like fuck.
I wish I could curl up in a ball and not do anything and have someone figure all my shit out for me. That’d be great.
"The past always looks better than it was because it isn’t here "